Apparently you make a good broom.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
