I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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