It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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