I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
