every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
