we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
