my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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