a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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