Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize