Sry I called you an 8
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
