How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
