apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
