I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
