I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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