the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
