Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Boobs speak an international language.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
