Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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