i just sent this text using only my big toe
either way he was missing a nipple.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Randomize
