I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
