I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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