I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
