Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
birth control should be required to get into college
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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