i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The air was thick with penises
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
