so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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