OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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