I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
