You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
