i may or may not be watching the land before time
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
