I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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