My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I think my moral compass just broke
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