The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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