so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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