My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
