Are we in a gay sports bar?
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
