The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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