he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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