My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
