I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
