i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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