i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
