I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
