last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
