He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
