bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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