When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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