About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
