using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
i think my cat just said my name.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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