i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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