I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
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