She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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