I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
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they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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