Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
