Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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