Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
