Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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