So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
