Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
