I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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