Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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