Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We need to feng shui this bitch.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
