Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
