I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
